Filling the Void

I wish I had something profoundly important or inspiring to write, but I don't. I wanted to remain dedicated to writing, so this is it, all bland and boring. I am looking forward to going to Florida to my Father's wedding this weekend in Tampa. When I think about how much we have all changed in the last two years since Susan passed away, it makes me smile. For me, that week was one of the events in my life I will have to bookmark. Through her suffering and death, I felt I was able to grow closer to dad, Robin and to God. The things God does in times of despair are amazing. When you are going through it, you can't see past your nose, and most times you are sad and angry and maybe even voice this to God. But when you get to look back over time, you see the perfection of the situation. Every tear, every thought, every action, all of it are part of something that makes you who you are today.

Even though I did not understand it at the time, my life started down a path I was unaware of and not ready for. Or so I thought, and that is the first mistake, trying to put my life into a box I can easily control. I had been living a microwave ready life. Everything precooked and ready to eat, just nuke it! But what I didn't realize, I was being prepared for a deeper and closer relationship. One I had been ignoring and feeling I didn't deserve. The field was being plowed and the vine was being pruned. The 2 weeks surrounding Susan's death are special to me. They allowed me to see what family means. Even one that has been separated by miles and leading our own lives comes together in tough times. I learned what humbleness and serving means. And what big benefit being part of a church family can be.

And in the two short years since, I have changed my outlook on life. My desires, my heart and my life has changed. And this all began when I realized they are not my own. I am not on this earth for my own selfish wants and needs. No longer was the pursuit of the "American Dream" my dream. The big cars, big house, the collection of memorabilia, no longer important. I mean really, did I think I was going to take that with me to my grave. That'd have to be a pretty big grave. And having all of this may have looked nice, and I may have been on the cutting edge of music, and living in the "scene", apart of popular culture. But one thing was missing, and this was big, my heart. None of these things filled the emptiness in my heart. Sure, they would give me a high for a few weeks, maybe even a month. But then what. Well, I had to get back out there again. Buy something else, do something else or anesthesize the pain and hurt. I was filling the void in my heart with short term fixes, when I should have been going for the cure, who is Christ.