To Blog or not to Blog....

I know that is silly title, but as you can see I have not blogged in almost a month. I love that I have been able to share my thoughts, feelings and happenings for everyone to see, but I have been lacking in my commitment lately. Even though I am without a real job right now, just focusing on my Thesis, I find my time is fleeting. Days go by without me even knowing it. When you don't have a set schedule things suffer, because you always have time. Too much time. Then the next thing you know it, your quiet time suffers, your journaling and blogging disappear and your relationships struggle. You feel worhtless, you are not living as you are meant to. Being the great provider. You search for that look of disdain or for the level of respect in their eyes to be lower. Your worth as a man is questioned. And you feel it. Not just on the surface but all the way to your soul, in your heart of hearts you know it. This is not how things are supposed to be.

But I feel resolve. My purpose is to finish my Thesis. I have put it off way too long and must complete it in order to move on with my life. So I will accept all the looks and feelings and take them to my Father, telling him and asking him for the will and the strength, I so desperately need at times. To ask him for the focus and motivation. That I am doing what I am because He desires me to FINISH THE RACE. This is a step backwards to take a leap forward. Where will this lead, who knows? It could be a secular career, could be to College, seminary, ministry or heck why rule out missionary work. I don't know. What I do know is my wife must be there and be on board and I must be following God's leading or it isn't worth it, and there's no reason to continue the fight.